TERRORIZING TOKYO

ideation

Sucks. Thinking of ODing. Don’t want to, but want to at the same time.. Same story as always—the struggle I keep having to come back to.

Who knows? Maybe this time I’ll win.

Please no.

Feels like I’m 16 all over again, hiding under the blankets from the waking nightmare that is my own personal hell. 

Feels like I’m about to go through 6 more years of this bullshit.

What the

Sudden, inescable emotional pain. Slammed into me at around 1045. Can’t do anything about it. Want to skip class but can’t and wouldn’t have anything to do anyways. Feeling trapped. :(

I have no idea what’s going on and it sucks so much.

Friends

I don’t even know the definition of the word anymore.

One of my best friends is someone who’s stabbed me in the back, given me the silent treatment for a month, trampled all over my emotions for her own personal comfort, lied straight to my face, betrayed my confidence, and she thinks she’s in the right by doing all of this.

She’s the same person who cared for me when no one else would, who was there for me when everyone around abandoned me, who pulled me up out of my stupors and dragged me through life with her. She’s given me the fuel I need to survive. She rescued me from myself so many times that I owe her more than I can give. 

How do I reconcile the two? Do I say goodbye entirely? Do I try to salvage what is left? 

And how do I make this all stop hurting?

Anger

So much of it. All at one person. It’s insane how much anger there is—it’s so scary that I feel like I’m barely holding myself back, venting a little at a time in a cautious experiment to keep myself under wraps.

The pain is physical again. Stomach, this time—not head.

So much of this revolves around trust that I’m starting to isolate myself again. It’s bedtime, then meals by myself, then bedtime again. I hate this. I need others to survive but I can’t fucking let them in because I’m so afraid of what will happen. It’s like starving to death in a room full of your least-favorite food.

Thought spring break would be fun. Hah. I’d honestly rather be in school, where at least I have things to distract me. 

Fuck it. Life is so not worth trying.

today sucks.

and it’s my birthday. that’s how these things work.

vomiting

Vomiting sucks. I can’t stop it though. Firefighters, my therapist says. Internal stresses build up and my self-control is so strict, so brittle, that it snaps and everything spews (literally) outward. Somehow, that’s like firefighters. It’s a shitty analogy but it makes sense. Emergency response, etc.

I’ve been ignoring tumblr, but I should pick it back up again. I’m supposed to be keeping two journals: one only shitty, one only happy. I’m going to use this for my shitty journal. Fuck you, innocent reader. Go read someone else if you want happy thoughts.

Today was double shitty. I’ve realized I have to hide my pain from everyone I know, because nobody has my back. That’s ok though, I’m more self-reliant than I used to be—but it sucks when your own family doesn’t take your side. 

Also, finals stress. and birthday stress. March 20 is going to be a royal shitfest. I plan on not dying, but I’m not making promises—it’s going to be bad.

Everything’s going to hell in a handbasket, nicely wrapped up and propelled along by forces I can’t control. It’s a shame I’m so well disciplined now—no problem drinking, no violence, no crying, no breaking down—it makes everyone think I’m in control, that this isn’t a problem, that I can keep this up. 

I’m going to be a big disappointment to a lot of people when they find out I can’t.

life takes away everything

in just a moment. Be grateful for what you had before. I’ve used and abused the relationships I’ve had with those around me and today that fact is kicking me in the ass.

I can’t breathe without it hurting. I vomited in the shower, and again in the sink. I’m shivering and sweating. This is all because of one thing I keep fucking up, one act I keep doing, one meaningless behavior I can’t stop myself from.

I need to figure out a way to be alone without these things happening. I need to find out what it is that hurts so much and makes me so sick and kill it. 

Because if I don’t, things will get so much worse.

This bitter pain

is supposed to somehow vanish, supposed to fade away.

I don’t understand how. All I know is that for the next 15 hours, I will be in pain, and nobody around me will really care. I’m supposed to accept it, learn to not fight it, let it wash over and through me, but it -hurts- dammit.

It hurts and there’s nothing anyone can do.

happy new year!

it’s irritating how polarizing depression can be. It turns a night where I’m alone into a night where I’m alone but -nobody- else is somehow. It turns friends having fun into friends leaving me behind. It turns changes of plans into secret exclusion tactics. 

It turns new year’s eve into hell. I can’t believe how bad the pain became, and how even now, half an hour later from the moment, it’s surging into my body.

My resolution: to not do this again, whatever the cost. 

happy fucking new year.